Introspection is Easy this Time of Night

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It’s 2 AM. Rainy. Quiet. Peaceful.

It’s that time of night when introspection is almost a second nature. That period of time when you can look in the mirror and seem to notice all your flaws and imperfections.

You look back on the day and see all the opportunities you had to be the person you wanted to be and failed.

Hindsight really is 20/20.

It’s amazing to me how I can sit here on my couch and reflect on my thoughts. It’s amazing how many miniscule regrets I’ve built up in one day.

I know. This sounds all gloomy and what not, but cut me some slack. It’s 2 AM.

And it’s raining.

I probably should be asleep right now but let’s all be honest, how many times do we actually take the opportunity to do some self-evaluation? How often do we let these times slip away into the “I’ll-do-it-later’s” or the “I’m-ok-at-the-moment’s”?

No.

Right now is my time for introspection.

I’m honestly sitting here at this computer, tapping away at the keys, thinking, “Is this what God sees?”

And I’m honestly curious. Does God look at all the shortcomings I’ve had in just today?

Not curious in the “I wonder if He does” kind of way, but more in a “How can He stand to?” sorta way.

I mean, I lay here, and my thoughts are wrapped in should haves and could haves.

Should have spoken my mind. Too late now.

Could have voiced my opinion. Not fast enough.

Could have eaten healthier. No discipline.

Should have been more productive. Procrastination

Weird though. Even in all that self-criticism, I still feel a sense of completion. Maybe that’s my ego. My pride telling me I’m not as bad as I think I am.

Maybe it’s something else. What exactly? How should I know? It’s 2 AM.

And it’s raining.

Then there’s the random questions that bubble up to the surface.

When are you going to pay off your student loans? How?

When are you going to get married? How many kids do you want?

Would you ever change your name?

Where’s your favorite place?

Who’s the one person on the planet who knows you best?

What are you going to eat for breakfast?

Sometimes I think I put off these questions because they’re unimportant.

Sometimes I think they come back at random times because they’re the most important.

They catch us off guard. They toy with our emotions and cause us stress. Who cares when I get married? Or if I have kids?

You do.

Oh yeah… I do…

You see I think this time of night should be spent sleeping. I honestly do. But when you take a long nap in the middle of the afternoon…well this is where it gets you.

So it’s either dream and release all the pent up psychological stress [shout out to Prof. Coombs for that interesting tidbit of information] from the day or stay awake and dwell on it.

But that’s what break is for I guess; to reflect on the past and to prepare for the future.

Thank God my future’s in His hands.

I honestly can’t think about where I’d be right now if it weren’t for God.

Drugs? A 19 year-old father? Dead?

Crazy thoughts, I know. But I believe that sometimes it’s good to think about where we could be, and then thank God that we’re not.

Sometimes we need to be willing to trust Him just a bit more. To have a little more faith. Tread a bit farther.

A bit higher

Past. Present. Future.

All in God’s hands really.

But I guess it’s time for me to sleep now.

Because it’s 2 AM.

And it’s raining.

 

 

 

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